“In Majdanek are only a few aspects where I got really emotional. The first was when we stepped into the shower chamber, I could barely breathe. The feeling of not being allowed to breathe haunted me like a dark shadow. It may sound illogical that it did not happen to me in the gas chambers. But I know the answer. My head echoed, they were sent to the gas chambers, but they were told that these were shower cubicles. They literally ran blind to death. These words haunt me since yesterday, how sick do you have to be that.… I cannot find words for it.
I think the place where countless were shot down will haunt me forever. There were shoot innocents without mercy while playing waltz music. It should also be remembered that some of these sick people still had fun with it. As soon as I think about it, it makes “Tatatatatatata” in my head, as a survivor told, it was the only sound they could hear through the music. This “Tatatatata” has frozen itself in my head, I have the feeling that I will get crazy if I hear it somewhere and it happens to me, whereby I did not even experienced it, how will it be for the woman. It feels just so unfair; I am overwhelmed by a feeling of guilt.
As if that were not perverse enough, an SS man had his bath near the crematorium to have a warm bath. What kind of person would want to bath near where corpses are being burned apart from being murdered for no reason. We were told that that he was crazy and even shot his friends. But that was probably because he had no control over himself, but that he wanted to have his bathtub at the crematorium, but that must be deliberately wanted. As if it were not already impossible to understand the thinking of the Nazis, there is also something like that. I wonder, was there any logic behind that? With the time I start thinking they just did it because they were in the mood to, but who is in the mood to kill someone? Of course, there are some who are mentally ill, but it can not have been a whole crowd. Some committed these gruesome acts to protect their family, but accepted the complete exermination of other families, others were just sick and the rest was simply inspired by National Socialism?
Anger was raging inside of me, on the one hand about how you could such a terrible thing and, on the other hand, about me, wondering if I would have been able to resist then, but I cannot tell. How easy it is for us to say they should have resisted. But if you think about what you would have done, then you do not know the answer. From today’s perspective, we can not even begin to imagine in which situation we would have found ourselves.
I was in a intoxication when we first passed the huge monument filled with ashes of the victims. I felt so small. This was the first time I realized what a hugd mass was murdered without any reason. I still cannot believe how it is possible. Nothing can describe what you feel when you are standing there, not even a thought transfer could, if there would have been one. My emotions only got over me through the music of the Israelis, but I was not able to shed even a tear. As we walked up the stairs, the facts no longer interested me. I felt smaller and smaller, I had a question, but I could not find my voice. Gradually, I was unable to think. I stood there. Bht still I did not feel alone, it was as if the victims were present.
What I realized later was that the ashes were just a huge pile there but the humans, they were not a mass, they were not a bunch, they were all individual, independent persons with a unique face, who were simply taken from us. At that moment I was able to understand the one exhibition very well, it was a wall where you could see different shaped circles representing these unique faces. I was pretty confused, could not sort my thoughts. But the fact that we went out for lunch made me think more clearly, not because we ate, but because we could talk. I always think it’s important to talk, although I cannot express myself well. During lunch I talked only with those with whom I just felt connected. But later in the evening we were divided into groups, in my group almost all nations were represented. I found it especially good to talk to others that I had not noticed in the beginning.”