Madiha DSC_0145 - KopieMadiha (D), 15 years old, wri­tes: Fri­day, 13.10.2017:

“In Majda­nek are only a few aspects where I got really emo­tio­nal. The first was when we step­ped into the shower cham­ber, I could barely brea­the. The fee­ling of not being allo­wed to brea­the haun­ted me like a dark shadow. It may sound illo­gi­cal that it did not hap­pen to me in the gas cham­bers. But I know the ans­wer. My head echoed, they were sent to the gas cham­bers, but they were told that these were shower cubi­cles. They lite­r­ally ran blind to death. These words haunt me since yes­ter­day, how sick do you have to be that.… I can­not find words for it. 

I think the place where count­less were shot down will haunt me fore­ver. There were shoot inno­cents wit­hout mercy while play­ing waltz music. It should also be remem­be­red that some of these sick people still had fun with it. As soon as I think about it, it makes “Tata­ta­ta­ta­tata” in my head, as a sur­vi­vor told, it was the only sound they could hear through the music. This “Tata­ta­tata” has fro­zen its­elf in my head, I have the fee­ling that I will get crazy if I hear it some­where and it hap­pens to me, whe­reby I did not even expe­ri­en­ced it, how will it be for the woman. It feels just so unfair; I am over­whel­med by a fee­ling of guilt.

As if that were not per­verse enough, an SS man had his bath near the crema­to­rium to have a warm bath. What kind of per­son would want to bath near where corp­ses are being bur­ned apart from being mur­de­red for no rea­son. We were told that that he was crazy and even shot his fri­ends. But that was pro­bably because he had no con­trol over him­self, but that he wan­ted to have his bathtub at the crema­to­rium, but that must be deli­be­ra­tely wan­ted. As if it were not alre­ady impos­si­ble to under­stand the thin­king of the Nazis, there is also some­thing like that. I won­der, was there any logic behind that? With the time I start thin­king they just did it because they were in the mood to, but who is in the mood to kill someone? Of course, there are some who are men­tally ill, but it can not have been a whole crowd. Some com­mit­ted these gru­e­some acts to pro­tect their family, but accep­ted the com­plete exer­mi­na­tion of other fami­lies, others were just sick and the rest was sim­ply inspi­red by Natio­nal Socialism? 

Anger was raging inside of me, on the one hand about how you could such a ter­ri­ble thing and, on the other hand, about me, won­de­ring if I would have been able to resist then, but I can­not tell. How easy it is for us to say they should have resis­ted. But if you think about what you would have done, then you do not know the ans­wer. From today’s per­spec­tive, we can not even begin to ima­gine in which situa­tion we would have found ourselves.

I was in a into­xi­ca­tion when we first pas­sed the huge monu­ment fil­led with ashes of the vic­tims. I felt so small. This was the first time I rea­li­zed what a hugd mass was mur­de­red wit­hout any rea­son. I still can­not believe how it is pos­si­ble. Not­hing can describe what you feel when you are stan­ding there, not even a thought trans­fer could, if there would have been one. My emo­ti­ons only got over me through the music of the Israe­lis, but I was not able to shed even a tear. As we wal­ked up the stairs, the facts no lon­ger inte­res­ted me. I felt smal­ler and smal­ler, I had a ques­tion, but I could not find my voice. Gra­dually, I was unable to think. I stood there. Bht still I did not feel alone, it was as if the vic­tims were present.

 What I rea­li­zed later was that the ashes were just a huge pile there but the humans, they were not a mass, they were not a bunch, they were all indi­vi­dual, inde­pen­dent per­sons with a uni­que face, who were sim­ply taken from us. At that moment I was able to under­stand the one exhi­bi­tion very well, it was a wall where you could see dif­fe­rent shaped cir­cles rep­re­sen­ting these uni­que faces. I was pretty con­fu­sed, could not sort my thoughts. But the fact that we went out for lunch made me think more cle­arly, not because we ate, but because we could talk. I always think it’s import­ant to talk, alt­hough I can­not express mys­elf well. During lunch I tal­ked only with those with whom I just felt con­nec­ted. But later in the eve­ning we were divi­ded into groups, in my group almost all nati­ons were rep­re­sen­ted. I found it espe­cially good to talk to others that I had not noti­ced in the beginning.”